I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
