I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
