My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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