Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
