And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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