we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
