take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
