I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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