Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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