so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
