Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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