Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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