When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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