If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
