wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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