Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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