apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
