my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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