Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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