its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
