the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
