Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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