Already got asked if we're dating
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
