Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
