i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
