Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The Olympian is in my bed
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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