No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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