Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
