I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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