Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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