Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
