U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
if only i could text you this smell
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
