No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
