Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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