Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
