Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
