I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
