I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize
