mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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