about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
