I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
