if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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