Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
