My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
