wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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