I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
