The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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