if you like me you must not know who I am
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
