FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
