We won't sleep together?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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